Анекдоты на английском

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Men and women enjoy sex.

The question:
Why is it better for women?


The answer explanation:
If you stick your finger in your ass hole when you got an itch, and you rub it, what feels better?
Your finger or your ass hole?

[Singhabeer_Patong]

How do you call sex with a parking lot attendant?

- valet porking.

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Почему мне не нравится ходить в стрип-клубы?

Сидишь там, а они перед твоим носом своими сиськами трясут, хвастаются какие у них прелести. А поиметь нельзя.

(про европейские сиськотрясные клубы, не про ЮВА).

Это ж тоже самое как если бы в ресторане перед твоим носом поставили стейк, с картошечкой да со смтанкой. Понюхать давали бы, а съесть запрещено.

Вот как это выразить на английском:

http://minorcrisis.net/files/GM_why%20I ... 0clubs.MP3

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Why are horses better than some of these women ?

http://minorcrisis.net/files/RECL-007.MP3

[Singhabeer_Patong]

В Америке многие компании нанимают массажистов прямо в офис. Топ-менеджеры под большим стрессом заказывают массаж прямо в кабинете.
Один известный радиоведущий рассказывает как однажды руководство заказало ему китаяночку, 150 см, 40 кг, звали Кико, она экспет в азиатском массаже спины. Он занамался бодибилдингом, в общем большой мужик.

И вот он закончил радиопередачу, снял костюм, лег на пол, и Кико приступила….гулять по его спине. Это было приятно.
Но однажды на сеансе, она должно быть пролила слишком много масла, но короче её ступня соскользнула прямо в его ass и застряла там по щиколотку.
Услышав его и её крики, работники радиостанции прибежали, стучались в дверь его офиса, звонили 911, вызвали команду спасателей и пожарников.
Это должно быть был самый странный вызов: “нога в жопе”.
Тянули-тянули….вытянули.
Конечно его босс был там. А в офисе накануне только постелили новейшее ковровое покрытие. Босс орёт ей “Эй, прыгай до туалета на одной ноге. Не вздумай оставить след.”
А далее он сказал что случилось на следующий день.
И если бы не эта последняя фраза, прослушиваемая в этом файле, то сюжет вполне мог бы сойти за реалистичный.
http://minorcrisis.net/files/RECL-008.MP3

[GU]

«Ohkroshka» means «Oh baby»!

+1

[Lingvomanyak]

переделанные субтитры к одному всем известному фильму

http://blogs.sun.com/bigadmin/entry/pir ... ata_center

[colt]

Араб поступает на работу в штатах. Клерк задает вопросы и заполняет анкету:
- Name?
- Ahmed.
- Sex?
- ????
- well... male, female?
- Oh, yes!!! Male, female, somtimes camel...

[TakProstoTut]

Этот Анекдот можно рассказывать, только нужно уметь правильно изобразить индийский акцент.


Анекдот Про Индусскую Свадьбу (На Англ.)

[Alex Catamaran]

Довольно известный "диалог" между Бушем и Райс по факту избрания нового лидера в КНР. На Youtube есть озвучка.

George Bush:
“Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?”
Condoleezza Rice:
“Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.”
Bush:
“Great. Lay it on me.”
Rice:
“Hu is the new leader of China.”
Bush:
“That’s what I want to know.”
Rice:
“That’s what I’m telling you.”
Bush:
“That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?”
Rice:
“Yes.”
Bush:
“I mean the fellow’s name.”
Rice:
“Hu.”
Bush:
“The Chinaman!”
Rice:
“Hu is leading China.”
Bush:
“Now whaddya’ asking me for?”
Rice:
“I’m telling you Hu is leading China.”
Bush:
“Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?”
Rice:
“That’s the man’s name.”
Bush:
“That’s who’s name?”
Rice:
“Yes.”
Bush:
“Will you or will you not tell me the name of the leader of China?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.”
Rice:
“That’s correct.”
Bush:
“Then who is in China?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Yassir is in China?”
Rice:
“No, Sir.”
Bush:
“Then who is?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Yassir?”
Rice:
“No, Sir.”
Bush:
“Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.”
Rice:
“Kofi?”
Bush:
“No, thanks.”
Rice:
“You want Kofi.”
Bush:
“No.”
Rice:
“You don’t want Kofi.”
Bush:
“No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.”
Rice:
“Kofi?”
Bush:
“Milk! Will you please make the call?”
Rice:
“And call who?”
Bush:
“Who is the guy at the U.N.?”
Rice:
“Hu is the guy in China.”
Bush:
“Will you stay out of China?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at he U.N.”
Rice:
“Kofi.”
Bush:
“All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.”
Condi picks up the phone.
Rice:
“Rice, here.”
Bush:
“Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.”

[vonshlikken]

Мой любимый из английских:
"Mr. Kissinger's bar"
-Hi, man! Can I get one wisky?
-Sure, sir! One dollar, sir!
-Good price! Can I get a bottle of wisky?
-Sure, sir! one dollar, sir!
-Well, I feel like whole box of wisky!
-Sure, sir! One dollar, sir!
-Khm! Are you Mr. Kissinger?
-No. I'm Mr. Fuckinger.
-And where is Mr. Kissinger?
-He is upstairs, fucking my wife, and I'm here, fucking off his business.

[orlando]

[orlando]

dvaldov,
Вынуждена была удалить Ваш пост. Картинка не читаема. См, правила размещения фото

[dvaldov]

1) Господи, это опять вы.... - Thank you very much for your email.
2) Если до завтра не предоставите документы, пеняйте на себя. Тут вам не детский сад.- We will do our best to proceed with your request however for the best result the documents should reach us not later than tomorrow.
3) Вы читать умеете? - You can find this information below.
4) Сколько можно напоминать!- Kind reminder
5) Неужели так сложно подписать документ там, где нужно - Please sign in the place marked with yellow sticker
6) Что у тебя в школе было по математике? - Let's reconfirm the figures.
7) Мы лучше сделаем это сами.- Thank you for your kind assistance.
8) Я уже сто раз вам это присылал. - Kindly find attached.
9) Ага, сейчас все брошу и побегу разбираться. - I’ll look into it and revert soonest.
10) Да поймите же вы наконец - Please kindly review the matter again.
11) Надеюсь, что теперь вы перестанете надоедать своими вопросами - I hope this helps, otherwise please do not hesitate to contact me anytime.
12) Какой же вы зануда... - Thank you for your patience
13) Даже и не надейтесь, что мы откроем вам счет - We will let you know in due course.
14) У нас не те масштабы, чтобы возиться с вашей мелочью - We would be happy to offer you the most favourable conditions on the case-to-case basis.
15) Вот когда подрастете, тогда и приходите.- So if you have eventually some needs from your clientele, it can have a real added-value.
16) Ой-ой, напугал! - We regret to know that you are not satisfied with our services.
17) Ну и пожалуйста. Не очень-то и хотелось. - We look forward to hearing from you.
18) Хотя бы в пятницу отстаньте уже. - good to hear from you and have a nice weekend
19) Услуги будут оплачены. Может быть. - Thanks a lot in advance
20) Да идите вы знаете куда...- We consider the matter settled and close our files.
21) Ха-ха (три раза) - Very best regards

[Berto]

[dvaldov]

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are hired by a farmer to build a fence that would enclose the largest amount of area possible.
The engineer decides to build a circular fence, since it was the most practical way of enclosing the most area.
The physicist starts building a long, straight fence that would encircle half the world.
The mathematician builds a small, round fence around only himself and says, "I declare myself to be on the outside!"


An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The bartender: “What'll it be, boys?”
The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.”
The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.”
The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.”
The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a ...”
The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer.

There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off".
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?".
To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!".

A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?"
The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

"We don't serve faster-than-light particles here", says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A programmers wife sends him to the store and says "get some bread, and while you're there pick up some eggs". The programmer never came back.

Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drink. "I think not," Descartes says. And then he disappears.

[Cat188]

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired — you must register a new one."
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use."

[dvaldov]

- Care to seduce a large woman?
- Piece of cake

[Rezoner]

Why 6 is afraid of 7?
Because 7, 8, 9.
(8 звучит как ate)