Анекдоты на английском

[X-com]

Господа,
предлагаю новый почин. Давате соберем анекдоты, которые годятся для иностранной компании. Для рассказа после пинты пива, чтобы было и смешно, всем понятно и никому не обидно.

Например (в конце английский текст):

Муж и жена ужинают в дорогом ресторане.
К мужу подходит молодая шикарная девушка, целует его, говорит
"Увидимся" и уходит.
Жена: "А..., а.., а кто это???"
Муж: "это моя возлюбленная"
Жена: "???!!! Ну, все - развод"
Муж: "Как хочешь. Только тогда забудь о шоппинге в Париже,
каникулах в Испании, "ягуаре" в гараже..."
Тут в ресторан входит друг их семьи, тоже женатый, но под ручку с
другой молодой красоткой.
Жена: "А кто это с ним???"
Муж: "Это его возлюбленная"
Жена: "Хм..., наша покрасивше будет."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife are having dinner at a posh restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

"That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce!"

"OK," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winter holidays to Spain, no Jaguar in the garage, and no more spa retreats. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is much better looking," says the wife.

[X-com]

Дама летит на jumbo-jet в Европу.
По динамику объявляют "Говорит капитан Эмилия Родригес. Мы летим
на высоте 10000м бла-бла-бла..."
Удивленная, она подзывает стюардессу и спрашивает, правда
ли, что такой большой самолет ведет женщина-пилот?
"Да", отвечает стюардесса "И второй пилот - тоже женщина!"
Дама поражена...
"И вообще", добавляет стюардесса "команда этого
самолета полностью состоит из женщин!"
Дама в осадке...
"Я хотела бы пройти в кабину (cockpit) к пилотам чтобы выразить
свое восхищение" - говорит дама.
"Конечно, пожалуйста!" - отвечает стюардесса - "Только, чтобы вы знали, мы больше не называем это место 'cockpit'! "
---------------------------------------------------
Примечание: абсолютно безобидное слово "cockpit" (кабина пилотов),
при большом желании можно понять как "cock pit" (типа "хуева дыра"). Но только при очень большом желании. Как, например,
услышав "садитесь на тот стул, пожалуйста", подумать,
что вам предлагают усесться на кучку дерьма.
---------------------------------------------------
A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. After they get up in
the air the loudspeaker comes on:

"This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000
feet .. etc. etc."

When the announcement is finished a woman passenger beckons to a
stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big
airplane is being flown by a woman?"

"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."

"How wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for
me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"

Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that
the co-pilot is also a woman."

"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to
the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!" !

"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the
entire crew of this plane are women."

That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time, this
has really made my day I just have to go to the cockpit to
express my admiration!"

"One more thing you might like to know ... we don't call it the
"cockpit" any more."

[Singhabeer]

см. на http://www.laugh.com/main_pages/comicpage.asp?cid=28

[T.F.R.]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts: "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager: "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" So the manager opens his dictionary and looks up the word 'panda'. It reads "Panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[T.F.R.]

Ну и самый наверное известный:

In the USA there is a gameshow where you have to make up short poems containing a special word with in one minute. In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from NZ. They get the word "Timbouktou". The rabby is first. He starts:
"I was a rabby all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu....."
The audiance is fascinated. Nobody belives that the farmer could top this. Now he starts:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent,
they were three and we were two.
so I booked one and Tim booked two....."

[X-com]

Quote:

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." —

Thanks to Dan Gadino.

[Singhabeer]

звуковой файл

из Greeseman show

http://getfile.biz/9950

[Alien]

Первый урок, английский для начинающих:
"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает
какие часы?"

Теперь по английски!
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch
watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая
из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched
witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов:
"Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три
кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих
изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches,
watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which
wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss
Swatch watch switch?

Теперь попробуйте произнести быстро третий вариант - СУПЕРРРР !:lol:

[Alien]

Разговор Буша с Кандолизой Райс:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What?s happening?
Condi (Condolisa Rice): Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No,Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No, But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[X-com]

Знаменитый анекдот, когда, посреди ночи, раздается
стук в дверь, заспанный хозяин открывает и обнаруживает
пьяного типа, который просит, "Мужик, помоги - толкнуть надо..."
------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half
past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this
time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the
door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the
man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She
remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's
house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd
told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it
would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger
anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a
push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[Yana_Von_Draculina]

-Why you drink?
-I want forget...
-Fotget what?!
-I dont remember!!..
###
Fuck me,but dont wake up me!!..

[Arkan]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the

wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably , it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

[Alexander Koifman]

И честно говоря уверен что это настоящие цитаты из записок в школу.
Примечания:
P.E. - физкультура:

The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes from parents
(including spelling)" from the Office of Educational Assessment at the
University of Washington.
-------------------------------------------------------
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[milanela]

[Alien]

Afftar bburn...

Блин,Popados, насчет "bburn" - СУПЕР!
Даешь адаптацию аглицкого под падонкафскый язык!

Льюис Кэролл, проезжая по России, записал чудное русское слово "защищающихся"
("thоsе whо рrоtесt thеmsеlvеs", как он пометил в дневнике) английскими буквами. Вид этого слова вызывает ужас... "zаshtshееshtshауоуshtshееkhsуа".
Ни один англичанин или американец это слово произнести не в состоянии...

[Gertruda]

A man speaks frantically into the phone (человек говорит взволнованно в телефон; frantic – неистовый, лихорадочный), "My wife is pregnant (моя жена беременна), and her contractions are only two minutes apart! (и у нее схватки с промежутком в две минуты; apart – в стороне, отдельно, порознь)"
"Is this her first child? (это ее первый ребенок)" – the doctor queries (доктор спрашивает).
"No, you idiot! (нет, вы идиот; idiot [`ıdı∂t])" the man shouts (кричит). "This is her husband! (это ее муж)"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[Gertruda]

Вот этот еще ничего:

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[_Millenium_]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

[Alien]

"Италинглиш"рулит:smile: :

Dear Signore Direttore,

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella.
I am comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as young man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see is not shit in my bed. How can sleep with no shit in my bed? So, I colla down the recepcione and tella: "I wanna shit". "Go to the toillet". I say: "No, no, I wanna shit in my bed". They say: "You betta no shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". What is sonnawabitch?

Go down for ristorant for breakfast. I order bacon, eggs, and two pisses of toast. I got only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointa of toast: " I wanna piss". She tella me: "Go to the toillet". I say: " I wanna piss on my plate". She then say to me: " You bloody fellow not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". Second person who do not even know me and colla me sonnawabitch! What is sonnawabitch?

Later I go for dinner into ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanna fock", and she tella me: "Shure, everybody wanna fock". I tella her: "No, no, you don?t understend me. I wanna fock on the table". "Get your ass out of here, she say to me".

So, I go to the recepcione and ask for the billa. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I have pay the billa, the porter say to me: " Thank you and peace on you". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonnawabich".

I go back to Italy! I nevermore comma stay in your hotella you sonnawabitch.

[Hedinsei]

A man from Texas is asked: "You have so many oranges in Texas, what do you do with all of them?" The answer is: "We eat what we can and we can what we can not"