Анекдоты на английском

[Poacher]

An Airline Story

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

***

A little girl runs out to the garden where her father is wedding and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?".
So, her father sits her down, and tells her about the flowers and the bees. And then about contraception, sexual intercourse, sperm, eggs etc.. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. And then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He describes masturbation, anal and oral sex... gets carried away... group sex, pornography, bondage, discipline, rape, pedophilia, bestiality, sex toys... The little girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks "So, why did you want to know about sex for?".
Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs".

[Lingvomanyak]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts: "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager: "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" So the manager opens his dictionary and looks up the word 'panda'. It reads "Panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Супер!!! первый раз так долго ржал над аглицким анекдотом

[moryachok]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.


Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
~Dave Howell


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

[moryachok]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high."

[Singhabeer]

В течение нескольких лет работы в Америке "подсел" на радиопередачи с ведущим talk-show под ником Greaseman. Он уже итого более 20 лет вещает, целые поколения поклонников.
Жанр особый. Юмор на грани. В основном эротические намёки. Использует что-то вроде Эзоповского языка для маскирования нецензурных выражений. Монологи совмещает с диалогами со слушателями, зворнящими в радиостудию в прямом эфире.


Послушать отрывки эфирных аудиозаписей можно на http://www.dwponline.com/grease/

Посмотреть отрывки из радиостудии на http://www.dwponline.com/grease/Greaseman%202.htm

см. Grease Videos справа на странице жёлтыи шрифтом.

Официальный сайт http://www.greaseman.org/

Have fun !!!

[Poacher]

An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport.

As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: " Occupation? "
The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"

[Singhabeer_Patong]

From the Greaseman quiz:

Question:
- What’s the similarity between the bordel (MP) and laundromat ?

Aaaaaaaaa….ummmmmmm…….

Answer:
They both charge by the load.



==========================

check
http://wmet1160.com/schedule/greaseman/

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Теперь можно скачать в формате mp3 записи радиоэфира программ Greaseman.

http://wmet1160.com/audio/The_Greaseman_Show/dir.php

Например, чем закончилось посещение им массажного салона
[full body massage]
файл 2007_01_03_06A.mp3
Fast forward ....примерно с сороковой минуты по счётчику файла.

[Singhabeer_Patong]

a story about hot bath in Taipei (you can get a wacks job)
full body massage with oil


[файл 2007_01_04_06A.mp3]

с 24-й минуты



...an hour long hot tab...

someone whispered in my ear "you are ready for wacks job ???"
...

She laid my hydrolics on the pink pillow and ...

[Singhabeer_Patong]

How do you tell the lonely woman at the nudist camp ?


the answer is:
it is a lady with a middle finger that never gets a tan.

[Riverside]

Pattaya. Crocodile farm.
"Is it true," asked a tourist, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

[Riverside]

The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."

[Riverside]

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

[Alien]

Диалог в австралийском аэропорту.
Таможенник (проверяя документы):
- Have you ever been in prison?
Гражданин Великобритании:
- Is it still necessary?

[Dee Mon]

Q: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

This is of course a completely unfair and discriminatory joke.
Many lawyers are women.

[Георгий]

- How come sharks don't eat lawyers?
- Out of corporate solidarity, you see...


A friend of mine spent a year in school learning Queen's English. Now instead of "Fuck you" he says "Oh how very nice!"

[Slonik]

a guy enters a gun shop.

-I need a gun.
-What kind of gun, sir?
-A really big one, best automatic.
-For what purpose do you need it?
-Just to shoot 'cans.
-Cans??!!! What kind of cans?
-You know, different ones - africans, mexicans, puerto-ricans

Тетка приходит в магазин.
- I need onion!
- Mam, we don't have onion here, it's not a supermarket!
- But, I need onion!
- Look, mam, let's try your adequacy. Now, how many "o"s are in the word
book?
- Two.
- Yepp, that's correct. And how many "p"s are in the word people?
- Two.
- Hit the mark again! Now, how many "fuck"s are in the word onion?
- But, there's no "fuck" in onion!
- That's the point THERE'S NO FUCKIN ONION!!!!!

[subtle]

Про политику, рассказан американцем, для людей, интересующихся темой политики. Другие могут не читать

The Vote for Heaven or Hell.

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[Alien]

Russian soup:
Russians refresh themselves with this cold soup made of ice-cold kvass (weird national drink most closely compared to non-alcoholic beer), sausage, cucumbers, onions, boiled eggs and sour cream — just imagine this horrendous concoction!!… And guess what they call this «soup»… They call it «Ohkroshka»… pretty difficult to articulate, huh? And now get ready for a translation. «Ohkroshka» means «Oh baby»!

[Yirman]

Alien hahahahahhaha LOL!