Анекдоты на английском

[X-com]

Господа,
предлагаю новый почин. Давате соберем анекдоты, которые годятся для иностранной компании. Для рассказа после пинты пива, чтобы было и смешно, всем понятно и никому не обидно.

Например (в конце английский текст):

Муж и жена ужинают в дорогом ресторане.
К мужу подходит молодая шикарная девушка, целует его, говорит
"Увидимся" и уходит.
Жена: "А..., а.., а кто это???"
Муж: "это моя возлюбленная"
Жена: "???!!! Ну, все - развод"
Муж: "Как хочешь. Только тогда забудь о шоппинге в Париже,
каникулах в Испании, "ягуаре" в гараже..."
Тут в ресторан входит друг их семьи, тоже женатый, но под ручку с
другой молодой красоткой.
Жена: "А кто это с ним???"
Муж: "Это его возлюбленная"
Жена: "Хм..., наша покрасивше будет."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife are having dinner at a posh restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

"That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce!"

"OK," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winter holidays to Spain, no Jaguar in the garage, and no more spa retreats. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is much better looking," says the wife.

[X-com]

Дама летит на jumbo-jet в Европу.
По динамику объявляют "Говорит капитан Эмилия Родригес. Мы летим
на высоте 10000м бла-бла-бла..."
Удивленная, она подзывает стюардессу и спрашивает, правда
ли, что такой большой самолет ведет женщина-пилот?
"Да", отвечает стюардесса "И второй пилот - тоже женщина!"
Дама поражена...
"И вообще", добавляет стюардесса "команда этого
самолета полностью состоит из женщин!"
Дама в осадке...
"Я хотела бы пройти в кабину (cockpit) к пилотам чтобы выразить
свое восхищение" - говорит дама.
"Конечно, пожалуйста!" - отвечает стюардесса - "Только, чтобы вы знали, мы больше не называем это место 'cockpit'! "
---------------------------------------------------
Примечание: абсолютно безобидное слово "cockpit" (кабина пилотов),
при большом желании можно понять как "cock pit" (типа "хуева дыра"). Но только при очень большом желании. Как, например,
услышав "садитесь на тот стул, пожалуйста", подумать,
что вам предлагают усесться на кучку дерьма.
---------------------------------------------------
A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. After they get up in
the air the loudspeaker comes on:

"This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000
feet .. etc. etc."

When the announcement is finished a woman passenger beckons to a
stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big
airplane is being flown by a woman?"

"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."

"How wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for
me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"

Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that
the co-pilot is also a woman."

"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to
the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!" !

"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the
entire crew of this plane are women."

That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time, this
has really made my day I just have to go to the cockpit to
express my admiration!"

"One more thing you might like to know ... we don't call it the
"cockpit" any more."

[Singhabeer]

см. на http://www.laugh.com/main_pages/comicpage.asp?cid=28

[T.F.R.]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts: "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager: "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" So the manager opens his dictionary and looks up the word 'panda'. It reads "Panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[T.F.R.]

Ну и самый наверное известный:

In the USA there is a gameshow where you have to make up short poems containing a special word with in one minute. In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from NZ. They get the word "Timbouktou". The rabby is first. He starts:
"I was a rabby all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu....."
The audiance is fascinated. Nobody belives that the farmer could top this. Now he starts:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent,
they were three and we were two.
so I booked one and Tim booked two....."

[X-com]

Quote:

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." —

Thanks to Dan Gadino.

[Singhabeer]

звуковой файл

из Greeseman show

http://getfile.biz/9950

[Alien]

Первый урок, английский для начинающих:
"Три ведьмы разглядывают трое часов "Свотч". Какая из ведьм разглядывает
какие часы?"

Теперь по английски!
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch
watch?

Второй урок, английский для продвинутых учеников:
"Три ведьмы-трансвеститки разглядывают три кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая
из ведьм-трансвеститок разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched
witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Третий и последний урок, английский для абсолютных профессионалов:
"Три швейцарских ведьмы-сучки, желающих изменить свой пол, разглядывают три
кнопочки на часах "Свотч". Какая из швейцарских ведьм-сучек, желающих
изменить свой пол,разглядывает какую кнопочку на часах "Свотч"?"

Теперь по английски!
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches,
watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch, which
wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss
Swatch watch switch?

Теперь попробуйте произнести быстро третий вариант - СУПЕРРРР !:lol:

[Alien]

Разговор Буша с Кандолизой Райс:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What?s happening?
Condi (Condolisa Rice): Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No,Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No, But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[X-com]

Знаменитый анекдот, когда, посреди ночи, раздается
стук в дверь, заспанный хозяин открывает и обнаруживает
пьяного типа, который просит, "Мужик, помоги - толкнуть надо..."
------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half
past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this
time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the
door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the
man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She
remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's
house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd
told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it
would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger
anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a
push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[Yana_Von_Draculina]

-Why you drink?
-I want forget...
-Fotget what?!
-I dont remember!!..
###
Fuck me,but dont wake up me!!..

[Arkan]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the

wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably , it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

[Alexander Koifman]

И честно говоря уверен что это настоящие цитаты из записок в школу.
Примечания:
P.E. - физкультура:

The following is a collection of "actual excuse notes from parents
(including spelling)" from the Office of Educational Assessment at the
University of Washington.
-------------------------------------------------------
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[milanela]

[Alien]

Afftar bburn...

Блин,Popados, насчет "bburn" - СУПЕР!
Даешь адаптацию аглицкого под падонкафскый язык!

Льюис Кэролл, проезжая по России, записал чудное русское слово "защищающихся"
("thоsе whо рrоtесt thеmsеlvеs", как он пометил в дневнике) английскими буквами. Вид этого слова вызывает ужас... "zаshtshееshtshауоуshtshееkhsуа".
Ни один англичанин или американец это слово произнести не в состоянии...

[Gertruda]

A man speaks frantically into the phone (человек говорит взволнованно в телефон; frantic – неистовый, лихорадочный), "My wife is pregnant (моя жена беременна), and her contractions are only two minutes apart! (и у нее схватки с промежутком в две минуты; apart – в стороне, отдельно, порознь)"
"Is this her first child? (это ее первый ребенок)" – the doctor queries (доктор спрашивает).
"No, you idiot! (нет, вы идиот; idiot [`ıdı∂t])" the man shouts (кричит). "This is her husband! (это ее муж)"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

[Gertruda]

Вот этот еще ничего:

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[_Millenium_]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

[Alien]

"Италинглиш"рулит:smile: :

Dear Signore Direttore,

Now I am tella you the story how I was treated at your hotella.
I am comma from Palermo as tourist to London and stay as young man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see is not shit in my bed. How can sleep with no shit in my bed? So, I colla down the recepcione and tella: "I wanna shit". "Go to the toillet". I say: "No, no, I wanna shit in my bed". They say: "You betta no shit in your bed, you sonnawabitch". What is sonnawabitch?

Go down for ristorant for breakfast. I order bacon, eggs, and two pisses of toast. I got only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and pointa of toast: " I wanna piss". She tella me: "Go to the toillet". I say: " I wanna piss on my plate". She then say to me: " You bloody fellow not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". Second person who do not even know me and colla me sonnawabitch! What is sonnawabitch?

Later I go for dinner into ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanna fock", and she tella me: "Shure, everybody wanna fock". I tella her: "No, no, you don?t understend me. I wanna fock on the table". "Get your ass out of here, she say to me".

So, I go to the recepcione and ask for the billa. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I have pay the billa, the porter say to me: " Thank you and peace on you". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonnawabich".

I go back to Italy! I nevermore comma stay in your hotella you sonnawabitch.

[Hedinsei]

A man from Texas is asked: "You have so many oranges in Texas, what do you do with all of them?" The answer is: "We eat what we can and we can what we can not"

[Poacher]

An Airline Story

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you!".

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

***

A little girl runs out to the garden where her father is wedding and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?".
So, her father sits her down, and tells her about the flowers and the bees. And then about contraception, sexual intercourse, sperm, eggs etc.. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. And then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He describes masturbation, anal and oral sex... gets carried away... group sex, pornography, bondage, discipline, rape, pedophilia, bestiality, sex toys... The little girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks "So, why did you want to know about sex for?".
Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs".

[Lingvomanyak]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts: "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager: "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" So the manager opens his dictionary and looks up the word 'panda'. It reads "Panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Супер!!! первый раз так долго ржал над аглицким анекдотом

[moryachok]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.


Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can!
~Dave Howell


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

[moryachok]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high."

[Singhabeer]

В течение нескольких лет работы в Америке "подсел" на радиопередачи с ведущим talk-show под ником Greaseman. Он уже итого более 20 лет вещает, целые поколения поклонников.
Жанр особый. Юмор на грани. В основном эротические намёки. Использует что-то вроде Эзоповского языка для маскирования нецензурных выражений. Монологи совмещает с диалогами со слушателями, зворнящими в радиостудию в прямом эфире.


Послушать отрывки эфирных аудиозаписей можно на http://www.dwponline.com/grease/

Посмотреть отрывки из радиостудии на http://www.dwponline.com/grease/Greaseman%202.htm

см. Grease Videos справа на странице жёлтыи шрифтом.

Официальный сайт http://www.greaseman.org/

Have fun !!!

[Poacher]

An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport.

As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: " Occupation? "
The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"

[Singhabeer_Patong]

From the Greaseman quiz:

Question:
- What’s the similarity between the bordel (MP) and laundromat ?

Aaaaaaaaa….ummmmmmm…….

Answer:
They both charge by the load.



==========================

check
http://wmet1160.com/schedule/greaseman/

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Теперь можно скачать в формате mp3 записи радиоэфира программ Greaseman.

http://wmet1160.com/audio/The_Greaseman_Show/dir.php

Например, чем закончилось посещение им массажного салона
[full body massage]
файл 2007_01_03_06A.mp3
Fast forward ....примерно с сороковой минуты по счётчику файла.

[Singhabeer_Patong]

a story about hot bath in Taipei (you can get a wacks job)
full body massage with oil


[файл 2007_01_04_06A.mp3]

с 24-й минуты



...an hour long hot tab...

someone whispered in my ear "you are ready for wacks job ???"
...

She laid my hydrolics on the pink pillow and ...

[Singhabeer_Patong]

How do you tell the lonely woman at the nudist camp ?


the answer is:
it is a lady with a middle finger that never gets a tan.

[Riverside]

Pattaya. Crocodile farm.
"Is it true," asked a tourist, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

[Riverside]

The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."

[Riverside]

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

[Alien]

Диалог в австралийском аэропорту.
Таможенник (проверяя документы):
- Have you ever been in prison?
Гражданин Великобритании:
- Is it still necessary?

[Dee Mon]

Q: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

This is of course a completely unfair and discriminatory joke.
Many lawyers are women.

[Георгий]

- How come sharks don't eat lawyers?
- Out of corporate solidarity, you see...


A friend of mine spent a year in school learning Queen's English. Now instead of "Fuck you" he says "Oh how very nice!"

[Slonik]

a guy enters a gun shop.

-I need a gun.
-What kind of gun, sir?
-A really big one, best automatic.
-For what purpose do you need it?
-Just to shoot 'cans.
-Cans??!!! What kind of cans?
-You know, different ones - africans, mexicans, puerto-ricans

Тетка приходит в магазин.
- I need onion!
- Mam, we don't have onion here, it's not a supermarket!
- But, I need onion!
- Look, mam, let's try your adequacy. Now, how many "o"s are in the word
book?
- Two.
- Yepp, that's correct. And how many "p"s are in the word people?
- Two.
- Hit the mark again! Now, how many "fuck"s are in the word onion?
- But, there's no "fuck" in onion!
- That's the point THERE'S NO FUCKIN ONION!!!!!

[subtle]

Про политику, рассказан американцем, для людей, интересующихся темой политики. Другие могут не читать

The Vote for Heaven or Hell.

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[Alien]

Russian soup:
Russians refresh themselves with this cold soup made of ice-cold kvass (weird national drink most closely compared to non-alcoholic beer), sausage, cucumbers, onions, boiled eggs and sour cream — just imagine this horrendous concoction!!… And guess what they call this «soup»… They call it «Ohkroshka»… pretty difficult to articulate, huh? And now get ready for a translation. «Ohkroshka» means «Oh baby»!

[Yirman]

Alien hahahahahhaha LOL!

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Men and women enjoy sex.

The question:
Why is it better for women?


The answer explanation:
If you stick your finger in your ass hole when you got an itch, and you rub it, what feels better?
Your finger or your ass hole?

[Singhabeer_Patong]

How do you call sex with a parking lot attendant?

- valet porking.

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Почему мне не нравится ходить в стрип-клубы?

Сидишь там, а они перед твоим носом своими сиськами трясут, хвастаются какие у них прелести. А поиметь нельзя.

(про европейские сиськотрясные клубы, не про ЮВА).

Это ж тоже самое как если бы в ресторане перед твоим носом поставили стейк, с картошечкой да со смтанкой. Понюхать давали бы, а съесть запрещено.

Вот как это выразить на английском:

http://minorcrisis.net/files/GM_why%20I ... 0clubs.MP3

[Singhabeer_Patong]

Why are horses better than some of these women ?

http://minorcrisis.net/files/RECL-007.MP3

[Singhabeer_Patong]

В Америке многие компании нанимают массажистов прямо в офис. Топ-менеджеры под большим стрессом заказывают массаж прямо в кабинете.
Один известный радиоведущий рассказывает как однажды руководство заказало ему китаяночку, 150 см, 40 кг, звали Кико, она экспет в азиатском массаже спины. Он занамался бодибилдингом, в общем большой мужик.

И вот он закончил радиопередачу, снял костюм, лег на пол, и Кико приступила….гулять по его спине. Это было приятно.
Но однажды на сеансе, она должно быть пролила слишком много масла, но короче её ступня соскользнула прямо в его ass и застряла там по щиколотку.
Услышав его и её крики, работники радиостанции прибежали, стучались в дверь его офиса, звонили 911, вызвали команду спасателей и пожарников.
Это должно быть был самый странный вызов: “нога в жопе”.
Тянули-тянули….вытянули.
Конечно его босс был там. А в офисе накануне только постелили новейшее ковровое покрытие. Босс орёт ей “Эй, прыгай до туалета на одной ноге. Не вздумай оставить след.”
А далее он сказал что случилось на следующий день.
И если бы не эта последняя фраза, прослушиваемая в этом файле, то сюжет вполне мог бы сойти за реалистичный.
http://minorcrisis.net/files/RECL-008.MP3

[GU]

«Ohkroshka» means «Oh baby»!

+1

[Lingvomanyak]

переделанные субтитры к одному всем известному фильму

http://blogs.sun.com/bigadmin/entry/pir ... ata_center

[colt]

Араб поступает на работу в штатах. Клерк задает вопросы и заполняет анкету:
- Name?
- Ahmed.
- Sex?
- ????
- well... male, female?
- Oh, yes!!! Male, female, somtimes camel...

[TakProstoTut]

Этот Анекдот можно рассказывать, только нужно уметь правильно изобразить индийский акцент.


Анекдот Про Индусскую Свадьбу (На Англ.)

[Alex Catamaran]

Довольно известный "диалог" между Бушем и Райс по факту избрания нового лидера в КНР. На Youtube есть озвучка.

George Bush:
“Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?”
Condoleezza Rice:
“Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.”
Bush:
“Great. Lay it on me.”
Rice:
“Hu is the new leader of China.”
Bush:
“That’s what I want to know.”
Rice:
“That’s what I’m telling you.”
Bush:
“That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?”
Rice:
“Yes.”
Bush:
“I mean the fellow’s name.”
Rice:
“Hu.”
Bush:
“The Chinaman!”
Rice:
“Hu is leading China.”
Bush:
“Now whaddya’ asking me for?”
Rice:
“I’m telling you Hu is leading China.”
Bush:
“Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?”
Rice:
“That’s the man’s name.”
Bush:
“That’s who’s name?”
Rice:
“Yes.”
Bush:
“Will you or will you not tell me the name of the leader of China?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.”
Rice:
“That’s correct.”
Bush:
“Then who is in China?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Yassir is in China?”
Rice:
“No, Sir.”
Bush:
“Then who is?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Yassir?”
Rice:
“No, Sir.”
Bush:
“Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.”
Rice:
“Kofi?”
Bush:
“No, thanks.”
Rice:
“You want Kofi.”
Bush:
“No.”
Rice:
“You don’t want Kofi.”
Bush:
“No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.”
Rice:
“Kofi?”
Bush:
“Milk! Will you please make the call?”
Rice:
“And call who?”
Bush:
“Who is the guy at the U.N.?”
Rice:
“Hu is the guy in China.”
Bush:
“Will you stay out of China?”
Rice:
“Yes, Sir.”
Bush:
“And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at he U.N.”
Rice:
“Kofi.”
Bush:
“All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.”
Condi picks up the phone.
Rice:
“Rice, here.”
Bush:
“Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.”